sinslaidbare's Diaryland Diary

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Language.

The word, spoken or written, is the most powerful thing in the world. It can bring smiles, or tears. It has started revolutions, and stopped wars. There are countries so afraid of words that jail and even death are used to combat �dangerous� ideas.

You wouldn�t want someone to come take control of you by telling you what you�re allowed to say, right? So why do it to yourself?

This brings us to today�s topic.

He says: One of my biggest pet peeves in the bedroom is having partners unwilling to say certain words, even if it means they deny themselves something they would really like. Sex is about pleasure. Your pleasure. But you will never get exactly what you want unless you know how to ask for it.

Some people only use medical terminology in a failed effort to sound mature. �Vulva.� �Penis.� �Vagina.� This may be how the doctors talk, but sex is not a disease. And honestly, odds are nobody you are speaking to uses those words in their head when they�re imagining having sex with you. Speaking in clinical terms is not a sign of maturity; just the opposite, in fact. It is a sign that even in the heat of the moment you are unable to get over childhood admonitions not to use naughty language.

I once had phone sex with a girl who kept telling me to stick my �penis in [her] vagina.� This is quite possibly one of the most distracting ways to speak when you�re talking �dirty.� It turned out later that she was afraid that somehow she might offend me if she was naughty. Girls, boys who have talked you into masturbating on the phone have already decided that a) you are naughty and b) they like it like that.

But it�s not just about being on the receiving end of a phone call that sounds more like a 10th grade health class than a sexual encounter. How many times have I heard a woman complaining about a man�s oral sex technique, or some distracting habit he brings into the bedroom? Or even more puzzling, the number of women I�ve met who complain that their mate has only gone down on them once, and never again?

The answer to these complaints is pretty simple: discuss it with your partner! Millions of women don�t get oral sex a second time because they were too afraid to say they liked it! Or maybe they thought they were asking for it, but all they could says was �I want you to go, you know�down there�� and accidentally sent their man to the basement freezer for ice cream. If you can�t say �I want your tongue on my clit� then your partner will never know, and you have no business complaining when he doesn�t do it. The same goes for the men in here: if you can�t tell her to squeeze your dick a little harder, she won�t even know to try.

There is no shame in talking dirty. There is only shame in letting childhood taboos rob you of what could be a genuinely fulfilling experience. You are not going to seem like a whore if you tell your man that you�d like him to pay a little more attention to your clit. He already has you naked; trust us when we say he�s happy with the whole situation.

She says: I'll let you in on a little secret here: your lover really really REALLY wants to please you. If you told him that standing on his head and singing the national anthem would give you the most mind-blowing orgasm ever, he'd do it. However, if you stay quiet, he has no idea if things are going well or not. Give him a clue. Tell him what you liked, and you'll get a repeat performance. Tell him -- gently of course!-- if you need him to go a little to the left, and he'll be more than happy to oblige. This is just the way that men are, and you need to believe this.

Okay, so you believe it. Now what? Get used to saying sexually charged words. FYI, "no-no zone" and "down there" aren't among them. Neither is "my, well, you know." Say the word "pussy" out loud. Try other words too-- snatch, box, cooch, cunt, twat, whatever. Find which ones you like and use them. You can own the power of these words, and you can own their sexual charge. They are only dirty words if you believe they are.

Once you've gotten used to some of the words, put them together. Pretend you're playing Mad Libs, if you have to. "I love it when you (verb) my (adjective) (noun)." Not only is this instant direction and feedback, it helps you to become a sexual person.

Embracing the language of sex is an acknowledgement of embracing sex itself. Many women play down their sexual side to the point of only being the one fucked, and never doing the fucking, which many partners find upsetting. Simply put, your partner wants to have sex with you. He wants you to want him. He wants you to like it. He wants to know you like it. It goes without saying, but men don't read minds. You need to tell them.

Of course, if your partner isn't used to this, go easy at first. Once I was fooling around with a young man, and I wanted to move things to the next level. I looked him in the eye, and told him, �I don't want to play around anymore. I want you to fuck me." It didn't happen, but only because he got so excited he accidentally came ("ejaculated", for all you baby steppers!) before he even touched me. Frustrating? Yeah, but it was an incredibly important moment for me when I realized that my words could have that profound of an effect.

Your words have this effect for you. Learn them, love them, and use them without shame. It is your sex life, and you deserve to have a good one.

11:22 p.m. - 2006-07-09

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