sinslaidbare's Diaryland Diary

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A word on \"measuring up\"

Sometimes I don't feel like I measure up the The Ex. It doesn't matter which ex, they all have something that I am a little envious of, whether it's the ability to make a great pot roast or the ability to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. Sometimes it's even a physical thing that I have no control over, like perfect eyelashes or teeth or a teeny waistline.

Okay, I do have control over the waistline thing, but that chocolate frosting keeps calling me from the fridge, and I just can't deny it the pleasure of being devoured by the spoonful in the middle of the night. That is not my point though. My point is, I can be horribly insecure when it comes to my man's 'before's.

One day I was talking to my grandmother about this, and pulling out all the excuses why my current boyfriend shouldn't be with me. I'm too tall, I'm not a good enough housekeeper, my eyes are set a little funny, my knees are knobby and blah blah blah. She didn't want to hear it, and I'm sure you don't either.

After I finally ran out of steam, had picked myself apart from top to bottom, and elevated The Ex to a status normally reserved for a genetically engineered hybrid of Martha Stewart, Mother Teresa and Angelina Jolie, she looked me up and down, and said one simple thing: "If he didn't like you as you are, he wouldn't be with you."

I had not expected this. I don't know what I had expected, but it wasn't this. I gave a really lame "Yeah, but..." and realized I had nothing to say. She was totally and completely right, as she so often is. Close to 90 years of life gives you a pretty good insight, or at least a lot of experience in faking pretty good insight.

And so, I gave up comparing myself to The Ex. In some ways, I will never measure up to her. In some ways, I surpass her. And it doesn't matter anyways, because I have a good relationship with someone who wants to be with me because I'm Me, not a halfassed version of Her.

In retrospect, I spent a lot of time being really hard on myself for no reason. When I gave that up, I realized one thing. Not only does it not matter whose nose is straighter and more cute and button-y, I have some pretty damn great things about myself. Things that maybe other girls, my ex's currents, are jealous of...

...not that it matters. Much.

10:12 p.m. - 2006-08-09

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