sinslaidbare's Diaryland Diary

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Sins and Consequence: A rant by Max

Max says:

I�ve been gone for awhile. What was going to be a few weeks� vacation turned into a couple months worth trials and tribulations for me, and also for darling Zo�. Emotionally, it has been a little difficult. I needn�t bore you with the details. Let it just suffice to say that I put myself in a position to get hurt. I trusted someone not to betray me and was quickly and suitably disabused.

I turned, as always, to Zo�, who asked �Why have feelings? They�re dumb. You should choose not to feel anything about this.� To some people, this may sound callous. But you don�t know her like I know her, and she�s right, as always.

I�m a sinner.

I�m PAID to be a sinner, sometimes. And sometimes, I just do it for fun. And while even I live by a malleable code of ethics based on shaky moral grounding, the fact is I am the way I am because I have known for a very long time that trust stops somewhere inside your own skin. Everybody lies. EVERYBODY. And had I remembered that, had I remember the cardinal rule that started me down the path I have taken to get here then I never would have been I the position I was in this summer in the first place.

Zo� and I win at this game because we learned to anticipate consequences for everything. Some people will tell you that the sin of the free spirit is not paying attention to consequences. That�s not the case with us. The �real� sinner, the one who is serious about it, understands that that there are consequences for everything. More importantly, they understand the consequences of their actions and accept the associated risks. The sinner who is good at this is fully prepared for anything.

And that�s where I screwed up. I let someone lead me away from my chosen path, believing they were different than the rest. And when I stepped off the path, I fell right down the cliff I should have counted on being there. Well, never again. Fuck that.

You see, I�m Max.

I�m not just some random hooligan who does this for a bit of a laugh. I�m a professional sinner. I�ve broken nine commandments! (It would be ten, but I�m a little too lazy to make a graven image of a fish or whatever.) [Zoe: you have broken all ten. I've seen the aftermath of most of them, remember?] And every time I have ever strayed from the commonly accepted standards of morality, I have done it recognizing full well the prices I would pay.

I let myself be led astray, but I am back now. WE are back now.

And it�s time to bare our sins.

6:11 p.m. - 2006-10-03

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